Ok, here goes. Deep breath.
I’ve killed off Lyra, my immortal, can-never-die-because-of-her-phoenix-cells heroine.
I don’t mean Lyra dies at the end of the novel.
I mean there is no more novel in which this Lyra appears.
I mean I am throwing out every single word of the past three years. I am tossing the manuscript into the proverbial garbage.
Not because I think the whole book is garbage–it may not have been quite good enough to make the cut for an agent or publisher, but it was enjoyable for my beta readers and I don’t dispute how much I learned throughout my trial and error process (this blog is witness to my efforts…)
But as I struggled with the work my book coach gave me, and as the same work came easily for Evangeline, from my angel novel, I had to take a long, hard, honest look at Lyra. Why, why, after three years, an incredible number of from-scratch drafts, and now guidance from a professional, was this project still not coming together?
Because, I finally realized, the Lyra I ended up with is a far cry from the Lyra I started out with. Of course, you say, characters develop and change. Look at Elsa from Frozen–for most of the movie’s production, she was all evil until the moment the writers got to the song “Let it Go”. That one song transformed Elsa into the flawed heroine we know and love today.
So why shouldn’t Lyra end up like that? Because in my case, what I’ve ended up with isn’t a more refined, whole, well-rounded character; what I have is a compromise. The Lyra I have now was my attempt to write her as I believed other people wanted her, based on feedback I’d received, from both professionals and friends. It’s not that they told me how Lyra “should” be; it’s that they saw her going in a different direction, and, thinking they knew best, I followed. That’s partially my naivety, trusting others to know my story better than me, and partially my unskilled efforts to clearly explain my vision of Lyra and her journey.
Well no more.
I am resurrecting my Lyra. My original version, the one who popped into my head, wholly uninvited, when I was trying to write about Evangeline (actually, there’s an example of a character improving with every iteration. Evangeline then is nothing like Evangeline now and that’s for the better). Lyra was unwelcome, too, since I wanted to concentrate on Evangeline, but she just wouldn’t go away. She was gruff and insistent, a hard-ass kind of chick who wasn’t about to let me off the hook. Talk to me, she said. But she played me. She wanted me to pay attention to her, but she wouldn’t give me much to go on. That’s why I think I was so easily swayed in other directions.
This Lyra’s story also isn’t about religion. It’s not about terrorism or justice or saving the world (ok, maybe it’s about saving the world.) Really, it’s about a teen, on the run with her parents for half her life, trying to outsmart the government who already knows about her phoenix cells and wants to exploit her. Imagine, can’t you? An army of super soldiers cloned from phoenix cells… A fighting force that can never die… But what do you think Lyra thinks of being a pawn in this game? She’s had enough; she’s fighting back. Against her parents, against the government, against everyone trying to control her life. She’s in charge. She’ll decide.
Or will she?
I don’t know if this Lyra will be better; I don’t know that I can execute the vision I have in my head (fuzzy as it still is).
What I do know is this feels right.
So who the hell cares if it takes me another three years?
(Ok, I care… I hope I’ve learned enough that it will take me less time than that…)
Regardless, here’s hoping you stick with me during the process–and even if you don’t, be sure to look for my new and improved and original Lyra coming sometime to a bookstore near you. 🙂